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Drop Bears

“God’s first attempt at chibby action.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Drop Bear
“Ah, Koalas, seriously, what harm is there to a cuddly animal like that.”
~ Average Drop Bear Victim before attack on Drop Bears
“ Oh, mother f*****…aaaaaargh!”
~ Average Drop Bear Victim during attack on Drop Bears
“ … beep … beep … beep … beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep”
~ Average Drop Bear Victim after attack on Drop Bears
“OMGZ! These drop bears would make the best pets for taking over the world!”
~ Lord heven on Drop Bears


Drop Bears resemble Koalas, with several noticeable differences:

Koalas do not grow up to 2m in height.
Koalas do not have sharp canine teeth (Used for bark or meat).
It is unlikely for a Koala to have a tail.
Koalas do not eat their young.
Drop Bears do not have pouches.
Drop Bears do not photograph well.
Koalas are cute according to tourists, tourists don’t survive saying that a drop bear is cute.
If you see a Drop Bear, you are already dead.

drop bear

drop bear

Compared with Koalas, which some authorities insist are close relatives of these creatures, Drop Bears are usually browner in colour, ranging from dark brown to darker brown. They have short, thick, curls of fur, and four digits on each paw. The digit terminates in a long claw-like retractable nail. This makes them especially good at eye-gouging and slicing open the skin of their prey (a practice which can facilitate growth of particularly virulent strains of swamp-borne infection).

There have been rare sightings of Drop Bears on terra firma (i.e., not in trees) although there are some rare species which have not taken to the trees, and are the most dangerous. The only individuals to describe these have been American tourists, who wisely listened to their tour guide and placed vegemite, behind their ear and/or on their nose (this being the only known protection against this species). Unfortunately these descriptions have been seized by the A.D.O.R.S.P.A (Australian Department Of Rare Species Protection Agency) in order to keep tourists travelling to Australia. This species can be found in all states of Australia and comes out mainly at day time.

The fact some Drop Bears don’t live in trees makes the suggestion that the Drop Bear’s unusual lack of digits makes it very difficult for the animal to gesticulate like a human being. Nevertheless, this deficit does not prevent the Bears from trying to emulate this action as best they can.

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